It’s nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared and making me feel like I was the only one.
It’s nice to know we had it all. Thanks for watching as I fall and letting me know we were done.

25. What are my future plans?

I haven’t done these in ages…

I don’t plan my future. It’s spontaneous, what happens, happens.

Tell me that you love me ’cause I need you so much.

I did the presentation. Yay. *unenthusiastic cheer*. It was so shit, it lasted 4 minutes, I then encouraged people to ask me questions I didn’t know the answers to, to bump up my time to 5 and a half minutes. She then wrote down it was 8 minutes.

Anyway, the funeral was today. It was so surreal, it didn’t even seem real today, that she’s actually dead now, but it’s finally sank in, I guess.  I honestly did not think I would be so upset about it all. But when that tiny coffin came in, I just cried for like the rest of the day. Awkward. Her daughter was there, she did not shed a tear. Talk about caring. I can’t be fucked writing more.

I’m gonna leave you, I’m gonna teach you, how we’re all apart.

I’m currently writing a fucking 8 minute presentation on tourism in Wales. How? How is that even possible. I googled popular tourist attractions around where I live, a farm. A fucking farm. Words cannot describe how much I hate Welsh Bac. To make it even worse, I had to print out 2 1000 word documents on tourism in Wales and annotate them and use information from them in the presentation, they are just useless. Oh, did I mention, one of these documents needs to have a picture and the other needs to be from a newspaper. WHY?!

Wanna hear a tourism fact? 250 million visits a year are made to canals in Wales. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Get a life omg.

Oh and as for my powerpoint on Tourism in Wales? Five slides. Five bullets points on each of the slides. Five words to each bullet point.

Go fuck yourself, Welsh Bac.

Don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to be alone.

I like to think I have a life but this is what I spend my time listening to. This and nyan cat.

I’m bored so I’m gonna tell you everything I did today.

My nan died btw. On Tuesday 10th at approx 1am. I wasn’t really bothered by it – that sounds so mean. I didn’t really bother with her much, I used to see her like all the time when I was younger but then I stopped visiting her as much as I got older because she forgot who I was and I had other things to do. I’ll probably still go to the funeral though although I don’t really have a choice.

I woke up this morning like ‘omg, this day is gonna be awesome’ it wasn’t, I should’ve stayed in bed all day. First lesson, Equality, Diversity and Rights, went in, she looked through my work, said it was fine, marked me in and told me to go. Great that left me with an hour and 40 minutes of doing nothing, which I thought was pretty fine at the time. I went to the library, met Jord played a game of chess, read his story for English. Second lesson I thought I better mentor Dafydd because I’ve been putting it off for a fucking long time. We did basically nothing as always. He hates reading, I’ve noticed. I asked him to get a book, the bookcase was behind us. He took 20 minutes to get a book. We read a page and I wrote down we read the whole thing. We then played ‘scrabble’ we don’t play it normally, I chuck all the letters on the table and watch him make words and criticise his spelling then I took him back to his lesson 10 minutes early because Jordan was watching me and laughing at my mentoring skills. He’s clearly jealous.

At break, I decided to talk to Bex for a bit (20 minutes) and then went to Health and Social. We started a new unit – Unit 4 – Development Through The Life Stages. It sounds interesting but now I have more coursework to do. I finished early – as I do with all of my lessons. Met Jordan and Jason and went to English. English, I hate English so much at the moment. We had to read this super good story which made me realise how shit mine is and then we had to begin writing our analysis for our stories. Unfortunately, the teacher has decided to move all the desks in the classroom around and now me and Jordan have a table to ourselves. A table that can seat 6 people. Loners. I can’t write analysis’. I found that out today more than anything. There is no purpose in my story apart from the fact I have to write one to get an A-level. Me and Jordan basically talked all lesson, we probably shouldn’t sit near each other. Whilst talking, we ended up insulting each other, like always. Although, I seemed to hit a nerve when he said ‘Pepsi’s bad for you’ whilst going through my bag and I came back with ‘You’re bad for me’ he then didn’t talk to me for about 10 minutes and asked for a written apology. Seriously. However at the end of the lesson, I said something and he came back with ‘End your life’ which I suppose made us equal.

Lunch, I went to the library and talked to Coral, I hadn’t talked to her in about a year, it was blatantly obvious I was using her but I was doing her a favour, she looked lonely. Then at like 1:15 I went to find my other friends who for some reason were not in the sixth-form centre like they said they would be and so I walked in there like a fucking twat and turned around and walked back out. So at about 1:25 I went back to the library and did more analysis work and then about 10 minutes later they turned up, yay? Bex criticised my story and then went to go and sit with Cait and Nicole and other people. In this time I got fed up of writing the fucking analysis and decided to give in and write that written apology. Eventually I went to go and join them. Cait was staring at me for like 5 minutes, I finally gave in and said ‘what?’ and she replied ‘If you don’t want people to stare at you you might as well not exist’ uh yeah, thanks?

I went back to English for last lesson, we were just carrying on with our analysis. I gave Jordan the apology and then he had to go and type out his work so I had the table to myself, more of a loner. My teacher told me my story was shit in ‘nicer’ terms.

When I went home, I was tired and fed up. I had a flute lesson to which she told me I was shit in ‘nicer’ terms. I haven’t practised in about a month. I told her this, she said ‘have you practised?’ and I said ‘yeah, before Christmas’.

Later, I did my paper round, after being forced to do so by my mum who said ‘Becky, you’re gonna be late, they need to be delivered in 45 minutes’ so, I went to do my paper round. And did not count the papers. I wish the Argus would employ somebody who could fucking count. I was six short and unfortunately, the papers ran out at a house who a few weeks ago accused me of singling her out for not delivering her paper. Brilliant. I went back home and my mum wasn’t there, she’d locked the door. My sister doesn’t answer doors, or phones for that matter. Eventually after about 15 minutes of repeatedly calling my sister, she sensed urgency, answered the phone and went downstairs to answer the back door? Why? Anyway, long story short, I had to buy six papers and deliver them half hour late and when they asked me, I had to complain about the Argus.

Fun day.

Stop telling me it’ll be fine, start living with the pain.

Wow. This week has been eventful. On Tuesday my nan was rushed into hospital with pneumonia, she’s 95 years old. They didn’t think she would make it to this week but she has, although they have told us there is 75% chance she could die at any minute. It’s horrible going to visit her, she hasn’t been herself in almost 3 years now but she’s got progressively worse. She is struggling to breathe now and it’s horrible just sitting there watching her because there is nothing we can do. We all want to stop the treatment that they’re giving her because it’s just not fair on her, she’s in pain, she knows she’s dying. She said to my aunty “nobody should have to die alone”, my aunty, the fucking rem said “oh don’t worry nan, we’re all here with you” Yeah, nice one Lis ¬_¬ Anyway, my nan’s daughter won’t let them stop the treatment and unfortunately, they’ve gotta do what she says, after all she is the daughter. She’s really religious and when she goes to church (every day) they all pray for my nan and she thinks that there will somehow be some miraculous recovery and everything will be okay. Personally, I think she needs to get a grip and face reality but that’s just my opinion.

I feel really bad though, they think she’s gonna die tonight because she has gotten so much worse over the weekend, but I haven’t seen her this weekend, I’ve been at my dads helping him pack, so if she does pass away tonight, I’ll feel like such a bitch. But it’s things like these that bring my dysfunctional family together.

According to spell check, nan is not a word. Suck my dick.

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already the voice inside my head.

I can’t sleep :( I’m tired but I’m not tired..if you get it? I’m also really warm because the heating’s on but I can’t turn it off :(!

Anyway. Today was pretty shit, actually it was good, I’m so used to saying everything’s shit, it just comes automatically now. I was at my dads for new years, it was my last new years with him. Like ever. He’s now sold his house, he’s renting out one which he showed me today, it is bigger, so it will be more convenient and also it is in walking distance from where he works and so it will be a hell of a lot easier for him to get to work. He’s also getting rid of his other car (it was my step-mum’s work car – he has two cars) the lease on it ran out last April but nobody said anything and so he kept it. Anyway, that’s going.

I didn’t wanna know how much time I have left with him, so I didn’t ask him. It’s always really awkward, I can’t even go home anymore from his house without wanting to cry. It sounds really stupid but when you know you’re never gonna be seeing them again you take every little thing they do into account and remember it. Everything that you would usually hate about them and those things that really annoy you sometimes about them, you pick up on and they don’t annoy you anymore, you just don’t care. I am actually really scared though, I’m scared that one day I will wake up and he will be gone and I’ll never here from him ever again. I know he wouldn’t do that but he’s got his own family and everything now and so nobody knows. Anyway, cheesy stuff away…my nan conveniently told me when he would be going ‘before my birthday’ which is about 28 weeks away. So I haven’t got long left with him, it’s all come waaaaay too fast.

On the brighter side, every piece of coursework I needed to do is complete. FUCKYEAH. It’s wrong though because I rushed it but at least I’m giving something in, even if it is 3 weeks late.

Happy New Year!<3

I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?